My mother came to the door; ‘Lance, get your ass in the house!’ I said, ‘Oh, Ma, I don’t feel like coming in the house!’ I didn’t even see where the skillet came from. I just staggered into the house. It wasn’t even the right house, it was just the …
Přečíst celý »Amy Barnes: Tuba Theory
I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you’re not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you’re carrying something big enough to knock one on her ass.
Přečíst celý »Kyle Grooms: Tap Water
I know tap water. I grew up drinking it, I did. My mother wouldn’t buy anything else. But she tried to make tap water sound delicious. She called it ‘city punch.’
Přečíst celý »Amy Anderson: Swedish Parents in Minnesota
I was adopted by Swedish people in Minnesota. I don’t know what your excuse for being all screwed up is, but that would be mine. My parents are Jan and Harold Anderson of Excelsior, Minnesota. It’s kind of like being raised by wolves, except for they’re white people.
Přečíst celý »Allison Castillo: Percentage of Singleness
I wish we all had to describe ourselves in percentages of singleness because I think it would be so much more honest. ‘Cause then a guy could be like, ‘I’m 75% single because 10% of me is sleeping with my ex and 15%, frankly, that’s for my mom.’
Přečíst celý »Kyle Grooms: Black Family Skiing
My mother… would save her money and take us skiing on the weekend, which was brave. She took a black family skiing. This was the 80s — brothers weren’t skiing, man. People didn’t know what we were coming down the mountain. They’d be looking up, confused, ‘Oh my God, are …
Přečíst celý »Allan Wells: Use Moderation
I don’t get out that much now that I’ve become a single father. Let me just use this opportunity to just warn some of the guys in the audience: when you’re out drinking, just use moderation, take it easy. Seriously, all it takes is one irresponsible night when you get …
Přečíst celý »Kyle Grooms: Bad Neighborhood
I love my mother, man, ’cause she wanted to keep me and my brothers off the streets. We grew up in a drug-infested neighborhood — the United States.
Přečíst celý »Alex Thomas: Ask a Stupid Question
My mother always told me, ‘Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.’ The cops walked up to my car, ‘Would you like to step out of the car?’ I said, ‘Hell no, it’s hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you …
Přečíst celý »Kyle Cease: Believing the Bible
People don’t know for sure if they can believe a lot of the things in the Bible. Like, people don’t know for sure if God and Virgin Mary made baby Jesus. And the reason a lot of people don’t know that for sure is we didn’t have Maury Povich back …
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