English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

My wife left. The first thing I noticed after she left, my clothes quit washing, and they quit drying and hanging themselves up. I figure they’re depressed.

He was a cop for 20 years, and he was always bragging: ‘You know, I was only shot in the arm once.’ Well, according to my mom, she said, ‘If I would’ve aimed better, I would have gotten him in the head, the son of a bitch.’

I’m getting married to a very successful car salesman. I’m so excited. I know you’ve been staring at my ring. Isn’t it fabulous? He sold it to me.

My mother told me a long time ago, she said, ‘True love lasts for two years.’ Do you know what else lasts for only two years? Cell phone contracts. What if they got it right? I’ve left tons of women, but I will not leave Sprint.

Real country music is lying on the floor with that bottle of Jack Daniel’s by your side ’cause a woman’s gone and walked across your heart like a Samoan man in golf shoes.

I just moved. I had my first experience with a man with a van. I forgot to ask him how much it was gonna cost, so he shows up and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, how much is this gonna cost?’ He’s like, ‘I don’t know. What’s it worth to …

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. “I want to show you the new watch I got today.”She goes in and find him with his pants down.“That’s not a watch!” she says.“It will be once you put two hands and a face on it.”

My last girlfriend, she was very jealous. She figured, I’m on the road all the time, I’m sleeping with everybody. And I was, but where’s the trust?

Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

You’re not really supposed to date people from the office, but you know it was going on because in the men’s room, the graffiti said stuff like, ‘For a good time: extension 289.’