English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

When you live with someone, that’s a commitment. You either have to work out all your problems, or you have to move out all your stuff. I got a lot of stuff — that’s a commitment.

I’m dating again, which is very exciting — ’cause I’m married.

My current girlfriend is awesome: she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s beautiful. She has a great job — she works as a fictional reference in my comedy act.

Ladies ask the craziest things. My last girlfriend, all quiet, she turned to me and would be like, ‘Would you still love me if I weighed 500 lbs?’ I was like, ‘Why — is that one of your goals?’

The guys I’ve been meeting just have the worst pickup lines. Oh my God — like, ‘Hey, what’s your friend’s name?’

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

I’m the only single guy left out of all of my friends. I’m the last man standing. It’s like my buddies and I were in a war movie, where we’re storming the beach with machine gun nests, only instead of bullets, they’re shooting rings.

Since I’ve been out of high school, I’ve been to 32 weddings. That’s like 17-and-a-half miles of the electric slide, folks.

I broke up with this girl. It was my doing, though. I can’t tell you her real name, of course, because — well, she didn’t tell me her real name.

When I got married, I disappointed a lot of women. Now I can pretty much concentrate on disappointing just the one.