English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

I’m in a relationship right now, you know, crossing my fingers. The relationship is great; the sex is great. My friends said, ‘Whoa, you’ve had sex out of wedlock?’ I said, ‘Oh no, she’s married.’

The most unusual person I ever dated was a cop. She was a police woman. First night in bed she goes, ‘Do you have any protection?’ I said, ‘You.’

They’re thinking about letting priests get married now — well, not to each other. The pope said it’s a bad idea. He said it would weaken their faith because, after about four years of being married, most people start to think, ‘Oh, there is no God.’

I picked this girl up to go out on a date. I get in the car and I look — she’s still standing outside. I’m like, ‘The door’s open. I got power locks. What you waiting on? You’re going to get left.’

It’s a terrible thing when the relationship goes into the danger zone. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of imminent dumpage. This is usually the time in the relationship when the couple gets the bright idea, ‘I know, honey, we’ll go away for the weekend — just the two of …

Women, you can weed out the bad men. Advocate more respect for yourselves. Anywhere you go, carry an English book. As soon as the guy comes up to you: ‘Here, read paragraph one. Tell me what it’s saying. Underline the verb once, the subject twice. I’m going to go dance. …

You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships — especially that girlfriend that ain’t got nobody.

I hate you when you drink.’ I said, ‘Good, ’cause I hate you when I’m not drinking.’

I can’t get divorced ’cause I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?A: Because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine won’t be able to support you.