English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

My wife and I, we still look at each other like we did the day we met — like two perfect strangers who think they could do way better.

Guy moves in with the woman: you just mess up her place and piss her off for six months. And she walks around going, ‘How can one person leave every pair of dirty underwear all over the floor?’ Because women don’t know what the floor is for. Women think the …

I sucked at being single; I was a horrible dater. I used to get phone calls on Friday night: ‘John — hi, it’s Blockbuster video. It’s nine o’clock on a Friday, you’re not here yet. We just wanted to call and make sure you’re OK.’

I get asked advice about the ladies from the fellas. They’ll be like, ‘Hey, John, is there a way to get a girl from the living room into the bedroom — sorta, like, close the deal?’ And to that, I just have to say, ‘Fellas, fellas, fellas. All you need …

I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago for my brother’s bachelor party, and I was making that check-in call that you do with your girl when you’re away. She gives me one of these, ‘You don’t sound like yourself. I feel like we’re off or something, something’s disconnected.’ …

So, I’m single. It’s weird ’cause always knew I was gonna die broke and alone. I just didn’t know I was gonna live that way, too.

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a …

It has never bothered me that my fiancee’s not Jewish until a week ago. We were home. We were doing the crossword together. The clue is ‘a Hebrew month,’ four letters. He writes, ‘July.’

It’s very difficult to impress women when you have no money. When I first moved into my apartment, I had no furniture for, like, six months. So, whenever a girl would come over for the first time, I’d have to act like I just got robbed. I’d be like, ‘Oh, …

I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.