English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

You can tell that he’s drunk. You know how? His name is Edward Kennedy, yet he calls himself Teddy. He’s so hammered, he thinks his name is Theodore.

For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered and runs into by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, “You, sir, are drunk!” He retorts, “And you, ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

After church service, a little boy tells his pastor that he is going to give him a lot of money when he grows up. “Well, thank you,” the pastor replies. “But why?” The little boy says, “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had!”

Q: What’s the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

Q: What is the definition of diplomacy? A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

When I was younger, I wanted to be Michael. You know, my friends, they were like, ‘I want to be doctor. I want to be a lawyer.’ I was like, ‘I want to be Michael Jackson!’ — until he turned into a white woman.

Every industry has nerds. Here’s how you find them — ask someone what they do for a living, and if you don’t understand the answer: nerd.

I tried to talk this girl into it. I was like, ‘Hey girl, let’s make one of those sex tapes.’ She’s like, ‘That sounds good, Dave. We just got to get somebody else to play your part.’