As long as the power button to the PlayStation is in the ‘on’ position, she just slipped to number two on your list of priorities. And no woman wants to slip. She don’t wanna be behind your mama, your friends, your career — certainly not John Madden.
Přečíst celý »Gerard Guillory: Even If You Don’t Have a Job
If you live with a woman and she has a job and you do not have a job, when she gets up to go to work, you get up and do something — anything. Just put some work boots on and sit on the porch until she leaves. Get your …
Přečíst celý »George Miller: Trust, but Verify
Reagan would always say something I never understood when he was talking about the Russians: ‘Trust, but verify’ — which, to me, makes no sense. If I trust my girlfriend when she says she was home by herself last night, I don’t have to verify by checking up — which …
Přečíst celý »Geoff Keith: Three Requirements
I only have three requirements when it comes to girls. Ready? One: are you a girl? Have you always been a girl? And, if not, can you keep a secret?
Přečíst celý »Geoff Keith: Teaching My Girlfriend About Hanukkah
I am Jewish; my girlfriend’s not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, ‘Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah?’ She’s like, ‘Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah.’ I was like, ‘You idiot, there’s 32 nights of Hanukkah — and I …
Přečíst celý »Gene Pompa: Talk to Me
The first time we were having sex, in the middle of it, she turns into this tigress. You know, she starts going, ‘Talk to me, talk to me.’ And I said, ‘Hi, how are you? How’s work?’
Přečíst celý »Gene Pompa: Immature Girlfriend
I got in a big fight with my girlfriend. She’s really immature. She sleeps with this big stupid teddy bear. I told her, ‘I can’t believe you’re 25, and you sleep with a stupid teddy bear.’ She goes, ‘So what? You sleep in your pajamas.’ And I go, ‘A lot …
Přečíst celý »Gary Owen: How a White Guy Knows
If you’re a white guy and you’re sleeping with a black girl, there’s only one way you know if you’re putting it down like you should. Don’t listen to ‘Oh, you’re the biggest. You’re the best.’ Don’t listen to that — she says that to everybody. Don’t listen to that. …
Přečíst celý »Frosty Divorce
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Přečíst celý »Flip Schultz: Women Don’t Want a Nice Guy
This is what I realized about women: women don’t want a nice guy right away. See, I am a nice guy. I’m like ready-made cookies. I’m Flips ‘Ahoy — out of the box, ready to date.
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