I was going through men like they were freakin’ Kleenex. I was like, ‘Woohoo! You’re too tall and you can’t dance and I don’t like the pleats in your pants. La la la la la la la.’ The next thing you know — you’re 30 years old, and your Kleenex …
Přečíst celý »Hold Back the Monster
Q: What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?A: My zipper.
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Still Single in Your 30s
You hit your 30s and you’re still single, you’ll look around and feel like you missed out on the first round draft picks. That guy who couldn’t dance now looks awfully cute carrying a diaper bag. Now we gotta wait for trading season.
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Naked Assessment in Your 30s
I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, naked. Twenty-two-year-old boy sees me naked, he’ll go, ‘Well, that’s what an older woman looks like, I guess.’ Twenty-two-year-old girl sees me naked, she’ll go, ‘I better start taking care of myself. Never too early to moisturize.’
Přečíst celý »Hipster Booty Call… Tattoo
Can you help me pick out a design for my next tattoo?
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Doctor’s Appointment
I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday. I’m not even sick — it’s just that I’ve been working out, and I want someone to see me naked.
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Body-Conscious Sisters
I have five sisters — just body-conscious to the point of ridiculousness. My youngest sister was in a car accident one summer; now she’s OK. The girl was in a coma for two weeks, hooked up to all these machines, fighting for her life, and we’re at her bedside going, …
Přečíst celý »Yo’ Mama Is So Fat… Vending Machine
Yo’ Mama is so fat, I put a quarter up in her ear, and she spat out a packaged snack cake.
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: At 34 Years Old
I’m 34 years old. I thought I’d be divorced by now.
Přečíst celý »Tracy Smith: Any Surgery Imaginable
You can get any kind of surgery imaginable in this town, too — and they do it — holy sh*t: Botox and collagen and vaginal rejuvenation. Oh my God, what — vaginal rejuvenation? How the hell do I know when that looks old? Who do you trust with that question? …
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