I’m just avoiding my girlfriend. We just passed a year together, and she’s testing my commitment with these questions that she learned in Cosmopolitan. And they’re trick questions, you can’t answer them — ‘If I was horribly disfigured in an accident, would you still love me?’ Just say, ‘Yes, of …
Přečíst celý »Tim Young: Breaking Up With the Phone Company
The AT&T guy turned into a whiny bitch on the phone. I didn’t know what to do. I started acting like it was a break-up. ‘I’d like to discontinue my service.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘I don’t want service anymore.’ ‘Three years means nothing to you?’ ‘It’s not you. It’s …
Přečíst celý »Tim Young: Bad Reception
AT&T ruined my last relationship because I’d get bad reception. My girlfriend would yell at me for it. ‘Hello? I can’t hear you! What? What? Why don’t you call me back when you can get a better signal.’ I was so scared of her, I’d apologize. ‘I’m sorry, honey. I …
Přečíst celý »Three Rings
Q: What are the three rings of marriage?A: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
Přečíst celý »Three Guys With Dumb Wives
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.The first guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn’t have a garage door.”The second guy says, “My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she …
Přečíst celý »Things Your Wife Won’t Say
— The smell of beer on your breath drives me wild.— I’m bored. Let’s shave the p***y.— I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.— Let’s get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and make an afternoon of it.— God, if I don’t blow you soon, I …
Přečíst celý »The Wishing Well
A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”
Přečíst celý »The Way It Goes
— The spouse who snores the loudest always falls asleep first.— The product you are most embarrassed to buy must be price-checked over the intercom.— The heavier the load and the farther you must carry it, the more your nose itches.–The original will be found when a replacement is bought.— …
Přečíst celý »The Unconcerned Widow
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, “If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your …
Přečíst celý »The Spirit Moves Me
A honeymoon couple are lying in bed when the husband says, “Honey, let’s get busy.” She replies, “Wait until the spirit moves me.” Five minutes later he asks again she says, “Wait until the spirit moves me.” Ten minutes later, the wife says, “Honey the spirit moved me.” The husband …
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