English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

My mom would never get us exactly what we wanted. She would always get us something like it. Like at Christmas, we never had a real Christmas tree. We always had one of the ones you put together yourself. Every year, we lose a couple branches. By the time I …

I went to Iraq, and the ironic thing is, everybody in my family that’s pro-war was against me going. ‘Tom, you have a nine-month-old son — why the hell would you go to Iraq?’ Like, I’m just looking for one good night’s sleep this year.

Our son’s the coolest. We named him Owen ’cause that’s what we figured we’ll be doing for the rest of our lives.

We had a daughter not that long ago, a little baby daughter named Sophia. We’re nowhere near mature enough to be parents. I’m positive of that. After her first feeding, she passed out, so we wrote on her.

I remember when I was a little kid, I’d never kissed a girl before. I was probably, like, 26 years old.

Whenever I get down to my last $3, I’d always head to the nearest 7-11 — the white trash casino — and I’d buy a 40-ounce of beer and a lottery scratch ticket. I would drink the beer, and I’d scratch the ticket And it’d always be some game with …

Any kid that has any problem now, they just shove pills down their mouth. Like, every kid 17 years old, ‘Oh, we got him on Prozac.’ What does a 17-year-old need Prozac for to get through life? When I was 17, my dad’s version of anti-depressants would be to, like, …

I ain’t a black dude. I ain’t a brotha — not the ones that y’all is used to. I grew up rich. Both of my parents were doctors; we were loaded. I don’t know nothin’ about the struggle. I ain’t never had to keep it real. I ain’t never had …

Q: Why did the kid throw the clock out the window? A: He wanted to see time fly.

Q: What’s the difference between a trampoline and a zombie baby? A: I take off my shoes when I jump on a trampoline.