English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

My wife and I had a long talk recently. We decided we don’t want to have any kids, and then we decided we probably should have had that talk before we had one.

If my dad could see me up here now he’d be very impressed. But you know, I’m sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. He’s not dead just very condescending.

I got the perfect body for an eighth grader. Yeah, if this were junior high, I’d be the man, y’all. Damn near be the bully, alright? Be that crazy dude over by the monkey bars: ‘Man, Sully’s crazy — he drank three chocolate milks today.’

Like that rental car concept, don’t you? It’s kinda like grandkids: you just abuse them and turn them back in.

And now I’m getting older, so my mom wants grandchildren. I said, ‘Mom, go for it.’

So my wife’s pregnant, and people are so idiotic. You know what people ask? They ask, ‘What do you want? A little boy? A little girl?’ Everything’s prefaced with ‘little.’ Oh, jeez, no! We want the biggest thing possible. She wants to give birth to a 45-year-old plumber named Gus, …

What’s the advantage of having a kid at 49? You can both be in diapers at the same time?

My wife was in labor for 30 hours. Then, at the end of that, she had a C-section. After 30 hours, the doctor said, ‘Well, it looks like we have to go get him.’ I guess we couldn’t have done that yesterday? You know why they had to go get …

You can’t leave anything around little kids. They go through your stuff, your luggage, your toiletries. I sleep in their room; I wake up in the middle of the night — they’re rummaging through my things. They have my underwear on their head; they’re wearing my lipstick. They’re like raccoons …

For a long time, babies don’t wear real clothes, they wear costumes… My mother in Boston sent us a business suit — a little suit, a little man’s suit: little black pants with a white shirt and a bowtie and a little red sportcoat — like he’s got a job …