“Some plants,” said the teacher, “have the prefix ‘dog’. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by ‘dog’.” “I can,” shouted a blonde. “Collieflower!”
Přečíst celý »Howard Kremer: Having OCD
Everything’s got to be even. Like, if I scratch this hand, I’ve got to scratch this hand. If I tie that shoe, I’ve got to tie that shoe. If a celebrity adopts a baby from a foreign country, I’ve got to kidnap an American baby, fly it to that country …
Přečíst celý »Soda Pop
Three bored girls are sitting around, and one of them suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops. The first girl says, “I want mine to be 7-Up, ’cause seven days a week, he’s up.” The second girl answers, “I want mine …
Přečíst celý »Howard Kremer: Book on Adoption
I wrote a book recently. It’s for kids whose parents put them up for adoption. It’s called ‘They’re Just Not That Into You.’
Přečíst celý »Smartass Record Shop
A lady walks into the local record store. “Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?” she asks. “No, but I’ve got dangling balls and a 7-inch,” says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second. “Is that a record?” “I think so. I’m only …
Přečíst celý »Signs You’re No Longer in College…
— You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.— Your potted plants stay alive.— You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.— Your friends’ hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.— You attend parties that the police don’t …
Přečíst celý »Harris Stanton: Camera Mom
My mom is a major pain in the ass. Let me explain — my mom is a ‘camera mom.’ Everybody’s got that one person in their family, but it ain’t their mom. All they do is walk around and go, ‘Wait, don’t move, let me go get my camera.’ All …
Přečíst celý »Shut-up and Trouble
In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble’s ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up’s ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble …
Přečíst celý »Happy Cole: Helping a Single Mom
You ever been in a store before and see a mom — she got like five or six kids, and she can’t control any of the kids. Kids just running around knocking stuff off the shelves, just yelling at people for no reason. You feel bad for the woman, so …
Přečíst celý »Shine On You Crazy Fratboy!
How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One but he has to get it drunk first.
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