My parents told me they were going to sell me to the gypsies. Oh, thanks, like, ‘If you don’t do your homework, we’re going to sell you to the gypsies. If you don’t eat all your food, we’re going to sell you to the gypsies.’ What sort of terrible business …
Přečíst celý »Only a Head
A boy is born without a body, only a head. For his 18th birthday his father, takes him to a bar for a drink.The father orders his son a scotch and when the boy drinks it, an arm pops out of his head. He drinks another shot and another arm …
Přečíst celý »Dave Nystrom: When Your Daughter Grows Up
When you have a little daughter, you don’t want her to grow up thinking one day she’s gonna get married and get pregnant and have a family. You want her to be like Barbie, the bleach-blond whore with the 28 double-D’s, rolling around the pink Corvette, having bisexual orgies at …
Přečíst celý »Oh, Goodness
Q: Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge? A: He saw the salad dressing.
Přečíst celý »Daughter’s Prayer
A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, “Dear, would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” replies the little girl. “Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie.” Her daughter takes a deep …
Přečíst celý »Dat Phan: Too Violent
I watch Japanese animation, right? My mom’s like, ‘Dat Phan, you cannot watch cartoon — it’s too violent!’ This is the same woman that goes, like, ‘Dat Phan, if you don’t take out the trash now, I will kill you!’
Přečíst celý »Dat Phan: That’s My Son
My poor mom, she’s like, ‘That’s my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood — he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.’
Přečíst celý »Need a Push?
Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing. A: She had no arms.
Přečíst celý »Dat Phan: Joined Five Gangs
I’m gonna come home with, like, five fake earrings on and be like, ‘Mom, today I joined five gangs.’ ‘Huh! You also five times gay! Get out of house, fruit loop.’
Přečíst celý »Dat Phan: Dad’s Two Comments
My dad only said two things to me around the house, you know, when I was there. Number one: ‘OK, OK, U.S.A.’ And two: ‘Good. Good, Dat Phan.’ How do you carry a conversation on with that? Like, ‘Dad, how are you doing?’ ‘OK.’ Like, ‘Dad, the house is on …
Přečíst celý »