English Jokes You will not be bored with us!

Q: What is red and orange and knocks you over? A: Tackle Me Elmo.

I’m a Jersey girl myself. I grew up there as a latchkey kid. You guys know what that is? It’s like a legal term for neglect.

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not. I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

The baby came out, and they said, ‘What is it, Dad?’ And I had no idea. I’ve seen women before; it looked nothing like this. They’re swollen in certain places. I said, ‘I don’t know what it is. It’s ours. We’ll love it. We’ll keep it. Don’t put it back.’

Ozzy Osbourne is being sued for $3 million because, apparently, this boy’s parents believe their boy was killed due to a song by Ozzy Osbourne, called ‘Suicide Solution.’ You have to admit — off the top — it doesn’t look good for Ozzy. I’m sure his agent is going, ‘Well, …

He sat me down, and he’s like, ‘OK, Dan, you’re going off to college. You’re going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So anyway, I got you something from the drug store.’ I’m like, ‘No, I know about condoms.’ He’s like, ‘No — …

The idea of a rock star making your child kill themselves is so ludicrous. I’ve enjoyed rock ‘n’ roll since I was a kid. When I was a kid, I worshiped The Beatles. I thought the Beatles were gods, but if they were to come up to me, personally, and …

A lot of things can kill you now. Ain’t this ridiculous? Mosquitoes can kill you now. Do you know how mad I would be if I died from a mosquito bite? I’m a black man, grew up on the south side of Chicago. I’ve avoided drug dealers, gang bangers, sickle …

Everyone thinks the youngest has it easy. Parents took it easy on you. No, more like they ignore you. I was born, and they were like, ‘Listen, your name is Michael. There’s food in the fridge.’

Did I mention that I’m a new father? Yeah, my 13-year-old son just moved back in.