I’m always afraid I’m going to get in trouble. I’ve been like that forever. I remember being 16, trying to get into an R-rated movie. My heart would just be freaking out. Then, I turned 20, and I was trying to buy beer. It was like the same thing. What’s …
Přečíst celý »Chip Pope: Who’s Your Daddy?
I found out that my girlfriend is adopted. I found out in a weird way. Last night, we’re in bed, and I’m like, ‘Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy? Who’s your daddy?’ And she goes, ‘I don’t know.’ I’m like, ‘What?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, there’s an agency looking for him, …
Přečíst celý »Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It
— Accidents Happen: The Story of YOU— The Little Sissy Wimp Who Snitched— Some Kittens Can Fly— You Can Paint Anywhere!— Where Would You Like to Be Buried?— Bad Katy and the Mom Who Stopped Loving Her— The Attention Deficit
Přečíst celý »Louis Ramey: A Newborn Child
If you’re a guy and you’ve never seen a newborn child, let me tell you now, it’s the miracle of life. Nothing more precious, nothing more delicate, nothing quite as ugly as a newborn child. They got no hair, they got no teeth — they’re like aliens.
Přečíst celý »Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… The Way You Think
Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”Little Johnny: “None.”Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?”Little Johnny: “None.”Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There are …
Přečíst celý »Carrie Snow: Third Child
My best friend just had her third child. She’ll be sterilized by the state soon.
Přečíst celý »Carrie Snow: No Kids
I can’t have kids because I have white couches.
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… Thanksgiving Greetings
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”At …
Přečíst celý »Little Johnny… Stand Up
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you …
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