I wish we all had to describe ourselves in percentages of singleness because I think it would be so much more honest. ‘Cause then a guy could be like, ‘I’m 75% single because 10% of me is sleeping with my ex and 15%, frankly, that’s for my mom.’

My mother… would save her money and take us skiing on the weekend, which was brave. She took a black family skiing. This was the 80s — brothers weren’t skiing, man. People didn’t know what we were coming down the mountain. They’d be looking up, confused, ‘Oh my God, are …

I don’t get out that much now that I’ve become a single father. Let me just use this opportunity to just warn some of the guys in the audience: when you’re out drinking, just use moderation, take it easy. Seriously, all it takes is one irresponsible night when you get …

I love my mother, man, ’cause she wanted to keep me and my brothers off the streets. We grew up in a drug-infested neighborhood — the United States.

My mother always told me, ‘Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.’ The cops walked up to my car, ‘Would you like to step out of the car?’ I said, ‘Hell no, it’s hot! I got the air conditioner on. How about you …

People don’t know for sure if they can believe a lot of the things in the Bible. Like, people don’t know for sure if God and Virgin Mary made baby Jesus. And the reason a lot of people don’t know that for sure is we didn’t have Maury Povich back …

I am half-black, half-Puerto Rican, which is messed up ’cause you know I was born a suspect. You know anytime something went wrong, they blamed the spigger.

I feel like, as we get older, we should have recess. Now that we have, like, wars and Visa bills, we should have 15 minutes on the slide everyday.

People think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o’clock every single day. No, no — go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o’clock. You’ll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.