Kids are chasing me down. ‘Mr. Vallee, Mr. Vallee, what can I do for extra credit?’ ‘Jimmy, you got 98% in my class, OK? Unless you got Salma Hayek or a bottle of Captain Morgan in your backpack, I can’t do anything for you.’

Nowadays, you can’t let your kids watch TV. You don’t know what’s happening — a breast might pop out, somebody might lick somebody. It’s like, ‘Hey, turn off that damn Disney Channel.’

I had a kid who threatened to kill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing ‘Kill Mr. Vallee’ in his weekly planner in the section labeled ‘Weekly Goals and Objectives.’ And the school was freakin’ out. They didn’t know what …

Wilfred had just learned his ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began. “A B C D E F G H I J L K M N O Q R S T U V W …

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Old lady. Old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel!

When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting — ‘No, man, I’ve got to go home.’

When they’re nine years old, they have an attention-seeking constitution that is relentless… Honestly, it makes you want to drive drunk on Halloween. Look at Superman fly!

My mom was the kind that’d send us to church but didn’t go… She’d give us scripture and didn’t even know it. She just made up books. ”Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.’

One day a father and son are flying a kite. The kite is going in circles and crashing. The father comforts the son and the mother yells, ”You need more tail!” The father then tells the son, ”Son, I will never understand your mom. Last night when we were having …

We need to just understand saying ‘I love you’ to your mom and dad because you only get one mom — and two or three dads.