A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. …

Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a paycheck?A: You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

I’ve just ended this relationship with this woman. I think the chemistry was all wrong — she blew up.

When you’re really in love, you feel like you’re the only two people in the world. When you first start dating, and you’re like, ‘This person’s incredible,’ and you stop calling your friends — that’s the best feeling in the world. And I’ve been so lucky to feel like that …

Don’t ever fall in love with a heroin junkie. It’s not a good idea. They’ve got a lot of love, but it’s all in vein.

I think the best part of any relationship is the engagement because you’re like, ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but not yet.’

My wife left. The first thing I noticed after she left, my clothes quit washing, and they quit drying and hanging themselves up. I figure they’re depressed.

He was a cop for 20 years, and he was always bragging: ‘You know, I was only shot in the arm once.’ Well, according to my mom, she said, ‘If I would’ve aimed better, I would have gotten him in the head, the son of a bitch.’

I’m getting married to a very successful car salesman. I’m so excited. I know you’ve been staring at my ring. Isn’t it fabulous? He sold it to me.

My mother told me a long time ago, she said, ‘True love lasts for two years.’ Do you know what else lasts for only two years? Cell phone contracts. What if they got it right? I’ve left tons of women, but I will not leave Sprint.