Real country music is lying on the floor with that bottle of Jack Daniel’s by your side ’cause a woman’s gone and walked across your heart like a Samoan man in golf shoes.

I just moved. I had my first experience with a man with a van. I forgot to ask him how much it was gonna cost, so he shows up and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, how much is this gonna cost?’ He’s like, ‘I don’t know. What’s it worth to …

A man calls his wife into the bedroom. “I want to show you the new watch I got today.”She goes in and find him with his pants down.“That’s not a watch!” she says.“It will be once you put two hands and a face on it.”

My last girlfriend, she was very jealous. She figured, I’m on the road all the time, I’m sleeping with everybody. And I was, but where’s the trust?

Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

You’re not really supposed to date people from the office, but you know it was going on because in the men’s room, the graffiti said stuff like, ‘For a good time: extension 289.’

When you live with someone, that’s a commitment. You either have to work out all your problems, or you have to move out all your stuff. I got a lot of stuff — that’s a commitment.

I’m dating again, which is very exciting — ’cause I’m married.

My current girlfriend is awesome: she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s beautiful. She has a great job — she works as a fictional reference in my comedy act.

Ladies ask the craziest things. My last girlfriend, all quiet, she turned to me and would be like, ‘Would you still love me if I weighed 500 lbs?’ I was like, ‘Why — is that one of your goals?’