The guys I’ve been meeting just have the worst pickup lines. Oh my God — like, ‘Hey, what’s your friend’s name?’

We thought it was a bad idea you guys got married, but we didn’t feel like we could say anything because it was open bar.

I’m the only single guy left out of all of my friends. I’m the last man standing. It’s like my buddies and I were in a war movie, where we’re storming the beach with machine gun nests, only instead of bullets, they’re shooting rings.

Since I’ve been out of high school, I’ve been to 32 weddings. That’s like 17-and-a-half miles of the electric slide, folks.

I broke up with this girl. It was my doing, though. I can’t tell you her real name, of course, because — well, she didn’t tell me her real name.

When I got married, I disappointed a lot of women. Now I can pretty much concentrate on disappointing just the one.

I’m in a relationship right now, you know, crossing my fingers. The relationship is great; the sex is great. My friends said, ‘Whoa, you’ve had sex out of wedlock?’ I said, ‘Oh no, she’s married.’

The most unusual person I ever dated was a cop. She was a police woman. First night in bed she goes, ‘Do you have any protection?’ I said, ‘You.’

They’re thinking about letting priests get married now — well, not to each other. The pope said it’s a bad idea. He said it would weaken their faith because, after about four years of being married, most people start to think, ‘Oh, there is no God.’

I picked this girl up to go out on a date. I get in the car and I look — she’s still standing outside. I’m like, ‘The door’s open. I got power locks. What you waiting on? You’re going to get left.’