It’s a terrible thing when the relationship goes into the danger zone. There’s nothing worse than that feeling of imminent dumpage. This is usually the time in the relationship when the couple gets the bright idea, ‘I know, honey, we’ll go away for the weekend — just the two of …

Women, you can weed out the bad men. Advocate more respect for yourselves. Anywhere you go, carry an English book. As soon as the guy comes up to you: ‘Here, read paragraph one. Tell me what it’s saying. Underline the verb once, the subject twice. I’m going to go dance. …

You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships — especially that girlfriend that ain’t got nobody.

I hate you when you drink.’ I said, ‘Good, ’cause I hate you when I’m not drinking.’

I can’t get divorced ’cause I’m a Catholic. Catholics don’t get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?A: Because a woman who can’t afford her own washing machine won’t be able to support you.

I realize, you know, you’re on your knees praying and everything, but you got a beautiful ass, you know that? No, no, no, I don’t mean that — I mean that religiously, you know? I’m not trying to offend you. You’ve got an ass like an altar, you know what …

My girl Puerto Rican, man, and I don’t think her family understands me. All they know is that I’m black and do comedy. They be calling me Eddie Murphy.

Interracial dating is becoming more popular. I see people dating, man — different cultures, different ethnic groups, different religions, man. ‘Cause people looking for love! They ain’t got time to wait for the colors to match.

The best part of Nintendo were the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we have that in real life? Just once I’d like to be on a date with a chick, when she starts talking about her cats and she’s …