I was watching a Sean Penn movie the other day. Doesn’t Sean Penn have that face like he’s looking at a menu and hates the food?

Yo’ Mama is so fat, she shaves with a lawnmower.

Yo’ Mama is so ugly, when she entered an ugly contest, the judges said, “Sorry, no professionals.”

I am the worst investor in the world. You know what I did? I bought a rental car. That’s like marrying a hooker: everyone else has been in it, and you’ve got to ignore the cigarette burns.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, I take laps around her for exercise.

Yo’ Mama is so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma.

I’ve seen the Traveling Wilburys. Is this the ugliest group you’ve ever seen in your life? You know the group is ugly when Tom Petty is the best looking guy. It’s the only group where the roadies get laid first.

Yo’ Mama is so fat, her kneecaps smile.

Yo’ Mama is so ugly, I’ve seen better lookin’ butts in an ashtray.

You’re as sharp as a marble.