What are you talking about ‘not getting yours’? How about earlier that night when you ate and drank for free, you got yours.

I have a boyfriend, so I started reading Cosmo Magazine for tips. Here’s a tip: don’t do that.

Good news: I have a boyfriend. But the bad news is I’m not good in relationships. I get all jealous. I don’t even like to see my boyfriend talking to his wife.

I had gonorrhea in February — I know, I was shocked as well. I didn’t have any typical symptoms. The only symptom I had was a searing earache from my girlfriend screaming at me for giving her gonorrhea.

Whatever happened to the good old days when a boy could meet a girl just by attacking her village?

Last Thursday, there’s an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, ‘What’s going on?’ He says, ‘Looks like your wife committed suicide.’ I’m thinking, ‘Oh great. Right before the weekend.’ So I go down to the morgue …

I’m happy with my relationship status: I’m about to get married. I just don’t know to who yet.

My wife and I just separated not too long ago. Actually, it’s a trial separation, which, as you well know, it turns out to be the separation before the trial.

My first marriage ended in irreconcilable differences: attempted murder. I took ’till death do us part too seriously there.

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn’t like girls who were fragile or vulnerable. So I stabbed him.