This guy came on the screen, and he goes, ‘The divorced Christian woman has to be very careful because men know she’s been married and she’s familiar.’ I guess that would explain why people keep looking at me and going, ‘Hey, you look really familiar.’

I had the best day ever. I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend — with my car.

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

I answer personal ads. I’m not ashamed to admit it. But I think I’m the only one that answers them in the negative. Like, I’ll call up and be like, ‘Yeah, are you a single, white female, 29, who likes long walks on the beach, poetry and jazz? I’m not …

I missed the 70s. That’s what I hear, that it was one big ski weekend. From what I hear, this was a good pick-up line in the 1970s: ‘Come on, let’s go.’

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I’m not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

My wife and I, we still look at each other like we did the day we met — like two perfect strangers who think they could do way better.

Guy moves in with the woman: you just mess up her place and piss her off for six months. And she walks around going, ‘How can one person leave every pair of dirty underwear all over the floor?’ Because women don’t know what the floor is for. Women think the …

I sucked at being single; I was a horrible dater. I used to get phone calls on Friday night: ‘John — hi, it’s Blockbuster video. It’s nine o’clock on a Friday, you’re not here yet. We just wanted to call and make sure you’re OK.’

I get asked advice about the ladies from the fellas. They’ll be like, ‘Hey, John, is there a way to get a girl from the living room into the bedroom — sorta, like, close the deal?’ And to that, I just have to say, ‘Fellas, fellas, fellas. All you need …