I was in Vegas a couple of weeks ago for my brother’s bachelor party, and I was making that check-in call that you do with your girl when you’re away. She gives me one of these, ‘You don’t sound like yourself. I feel like we’re off or something, something’s disconnected.’ …

So, I’m single. It’s weird ’cause always knew I was gonna die broke and alone. I just didn’t know I was gonna live that way, too.

After three years of marriage, there are some questions I’d like to ask my wife. Little things like, ‘Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a …

It has never bothered me that my fiancee’s not Jewish until a week ago. We were home. We were doing the crossword together. The clue is ‘a Hebrew month,’ four letters. He writes, ‘July.’

It’s very difficult to impress women when you have no money. When I first moved into my apartment, I had no furniture for, like, six months. So, whenever a girl would come over for the first time, I’d have to act like I just got robbed. I’d be like, ‘Oh, …

I think the secret to a successful marriage is low expectations.

Marriage scares me. There’s a big difference between living with someone and just going out with her. You don’t just see the person when she’s at her best. You bear witness to the entire process. It can be very sobering. It’s like eating a hamburger after you’ve watched the cow …

One woman broke up with me and told me I was insecure. I thought, ‘Great, this is gonna help. I feel a lot better about myself now.’

The honeymoon is an odd tradition. You’ve just taken the vows when you rush off to some vacation hideaway, where you spend every second of every day with the very person to whom you just pledged your entire life. Two weeks apart would make more sense. You’ve got the rest …

Some couples get engaged, and then they don’t set a date. They’re just engaged for an indefinite period of time. That doesn’t make sense. It’s like going to the supermarket, filling up your grocery cart, and then just walking around.