I always get very nervous when I actually make reference to a real movie because I’m sure someone in the audience is involved, and they’re like, ‘Screw you! That’s my terrible movie.’ And I’m like, ‘I’m so sorry. Please put me in your next terrible movie.’

Yo’ mama so ugly, she scares blind kids away.

We all can agree, no matter what color you are, every group of friends has that one stupid friend. Look around you, you’ll find one. If you can’t find one, it’s you.

Yo’ mama so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

Yo’ mama so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo’ mama so stupid, she bought a glass door with a peephole.

You can tell that he’s drunk. You know how? His name is Edward Kennedy, yet he calls himself Teddy. He’s so hammered, he thinks his name is Theodore.

For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered and runs into by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, “You, sir, are drunk!” He retorts, “And you, ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?A: Shoot him before he hits the water.