After church service, a little boy tells his pastor that he is going to give him a lot of money when he grows up. “Well, thank you,” the pastor replies. “But why?” The little boy says, “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had!”

Q: What’s the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.

Q: What is the definition of diplomacy? A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

When I was younger, I wanted to be Michael. You know, my friends, they were like, ‘I want to be doctor. I want to be a lawyer.’ I was like, ‘I want to be Michael Jackson!’ — until he turned into a white woman.

Every industry has nerds. Here’s how you find them — ask someone what they do for a living, and if you don’t understand the answer: nerd.

I tried to talk this girl into it. I was like, ‘Hey girl, let’s make one of those sex tapes.’ She’s like, ‘That sounds good, Dave. We just got to get somebody else to play your part.’

The neighborhood I grew up in had a sign that said, ‘Go Slow — Deaf Child’… Nowadays, I drive by that sign and all I can think is, ‘When is this deaf kid gonna get his act together and move out of his parents’ house?’

Remember when we were number one in sports? Remember those days? Did you watch the Olympics? We suck. What’d we win — one silver medal in dodgeball?

Nothing says ‘Friday night at home alone’ like a calculator watch. ‘How long has it been since I’ve gotten laid? Let me calculate.’

They make Bush out to sound like he’s Hitler. And people have to remember that there’s a big difference between Bush and Hitler: Hitler wrote a book.