Oh, this is fun — went to a nude beach for the first time. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You ever been to a nude beach? Thought it would be all sexy and hot. Oh my God, what a flubber fest! Everybody who shouldn’t be naked is naked — didn’t …

Long Island — if you’re from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

Q: How is California like a granola bar? A: They both contain nuts and flakes.

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?A: Not enough sand.

Q: What’s the difference between a bucket of crap and a mother-in-law? A: The bucket!

My favorite part about the state fair is the freak show. You ever see that? Where they have, you know, the Woman With No Head or the Lizard Boy? But where I came from in rural North Carolina, it was kinda different. It was like, ‘Behold — the Woman That …

There’s a lot of people I don’t think I’ll ever get, but always number one on the list is the I’m Gonna Peal Out of This Parking Lot Guy.

Man: You’ve brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn’t believe in Hell.

I’m not too crazy about my relatives. I love my immediate family. But don’t you look at your relatives, and you can’t believe you’re actually related to these people? I give blood four times a year just so I’m less and less related to these people.