When I was a kid, I had this one aunt who used to always call me by my brother’s name — I mean, a million times, every time I saw her. Finally, I just snapped. I said, ‘You are the biggest simpleton idiot pinhead I’ve ever met.’ She got all …

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:“Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?”“No.”“So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?”“Well, the man’s brain was in a …

Q: What’s the difference between a bonus and a penis? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus.

This suntan lotion is confusing me. When I left about 10 years ago to move to New York, the highest suntan lotion number was 15. I get back — you know what it is now? — 45. A flannel shirt is about 30. Who’s this for — vampires? If you …

I am overweight. My whole family is overweight. We go to the beach, and people swim out to us.

I do not think of George Bush as an idiot, OK? I like to think of him more as an intellectual celibate.

George Bush speaks Spanish. That’s why they love him in Miami — ’cause he speaks Spanish and ’cause he hates Castro. Won’t even refer to Castro as ‘president.’ It’s always, ‘Mr. Castro.’ And Castro refers to Bush as ‘El Pendejo Junior.’

Q: What is the difference between Bill O’Reilly and the Hindenburg? A: One is a flaming gasbag full of hot air, and the other is a dirigible.

You haven’t got a friend in the world/and you smell like rotten meat/You’re also stupid/my stupid, rotten-meat-scented twin/and you’re the reason Dad’s always always drinking/and why Mom is always drinking as well.

Dear Mr. Starr: The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.