Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them straight. I couldn’t do that. I could make a straight woman gay, though. I got that going for me.

Those who abstain from pre-marital sex will argue that the greatest gift a woman can offer a man is her virginity. Not necessarily — everything has a shelf life. I like cheesecake, but not if it’s been sitting in the freezer for 30 years.

I was in a relationship for like eight-and-a-half years, and then I was re-released into the wild not too long ago. So, my internal ‘How To Read a Woman Manual’ has like a drawing of Dwight and Mamie Eisenhower on the cover, holding hands in a rumble seat and sipping …

You like Mr. Pibb? You get to drink all the Mr. Pibb you want! But you wake up 10 years from now and think, ‘Well, I think I’d like something hot to drink.’ Well, you better heat up some Mr. Pibb!

In prehistoric days, they had no time-telling devices. How did you get it together for a date? You don’t know when to be somewhere. You show up at your friend’s cave; he’s all upset. ‘Where were you? You were supposed to be here before.’ ‘I didn’t say I’d be here …

I met a sista once who told me she could tell how good a brotha is in bed simply by the way he opens the door to his apartment. So, I asked her how. She said if that brotha fumbles with the keys, that means he doesn’t know what he’s …

At night, when I’m dreaming and a naked woman approaches me in my dreams, I tell her I’m married. How sad is that? I can hear my subconscious yelling at me, ‘Nail her! I set this all up for you, you idiot!’

When I was younger, I actually thought the Mormons were kind of a cool religion because of that multiple wife thing. I thought it was pretty sexy, multiple wives, and then I got married, and I realized that one wife is certainly enough for any man.

When two people meet they have that initial spark, that magic. That’s called love at first sight. When only one person has it, that’s called stalking. I know that now.

There are certain things I think girls aren’t supposed to say in the middle of having sex. Like, I have no problem if you’re having sex, at some point the girl says, ‘Hey, I really like your penis’ or whatever. But she would always be like, ‘Wow, I really like …