I drive an SUV. My little hippie friend, Robert, told me that, apparently, my car rapes the land. That’s what he told me when I was giving him a ride. I was giving him a ride from Salt Lake City back to San Francisco. So I said, ‘Well, I could …

I just did a show at a country and western bar, and — this is true — I had been onstage, like, a minute and a half when I heard: ‘Never come here again!’ And I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, did I just say that out loud?’

Are you really that bald, or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?A: Senator.

No matter what your problems in life are, I assure you: it is not the booze’s fault. Let’s get this straight once and for all, OK? You know what? If you’re a jackass when you’re drinking, it’s because you’re a jackass.

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed Spouse’s Name: __________________________ Relationship with …

Q: Why are there hardly any dental professionals in Arkansas? A: Because it takes 35 patients to make a full set of teeth.

There’s such a great emphasis, here in the United States, on looking good and feeling good — usually at an enormous expense to your personality.

I can remember when you were a little, short black boy with an afro. Now, you are a tall white woman with a perm.

Yo’ mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked, “What’s new?”