I am Jewish; my girlfriend’s not. She did buy me eight presents for Hanukkah, though. I was like, ‘Why did you buy me eight presents for Hanukkah?’ She’s like, ‘Eight presents, for the eight nights of Hanukkah.’ I was like, ‘You idiot, there’s 32 nights of Hanukkah — and I …

The first time we were having sex, in the middle of it, she turns into this tigress. You know, she starts going, ‘Talk to me, talk to me.’ And I said, ‘Hi, how are you? How’s work?’

I got in a big fight with my girlfriend. She’s really immature. She sleeps with this big stupid teddy bear. I told her, ‘I can’t believe you’re 25, and you sleep with a stupid teddy bear.’ She goes, ‘So what? You sleep in your pajamas.’ And I go, ‘A lot …

If you’re a white guy and you’re sleeping with a black girl, there’s only one way you know if you’re putting it down like you should. Don’t listen to ‘Oh, you’re the biggest. You’re the best.’ Don’t listen to that — she says that to everybody. Don’t listen to that. …

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.

This is what I realized about women: women don’t want a nice guy right away. See, I am a nice guy. I’m like ready-made cookies. I’m Flips ‘Ahoy — out of the box, ready to date.

My wife and I are having a baby — soon as I get her pregnant. We’ve been trying. My sperm have been told their whole lives not to get any woman pregnant. They’ve gotten extremely good at it.

You ever have a day where you’re forced to be around someone you just don’t like? You start to realize that they don’t like you either, and suddenly you say to yourself, ‘Why did I marry this person?’

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?A: He didn’t need them any longer — his damn wife knows everything.

I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard. I’m talking day-in and day-out — just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it’s all over, he showers and goes to his job.