I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I’m gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.

I’m thinking, when I finally go, when my time is up, I’d like to be cremated. Most people when they’re cremated, they want their ashes to be released over the ocean or maybe the grave of a loved one. I’d like to be sprinkled over the food of someone I …

A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, “You are my master. You now have one wish.”The Russian man says, “I would like to piss vodka.”When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two …

Q: What did the butcher say when he backed into the meat-grinder? A: Looks like I’m getting a little behind in my work!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course …

I’m like a child living by myself. I leave stuff on the stove while I’m sleeping. I wash my ass with the same rag I wash the dishes with.

A young, innocent couple goes on their honeymoon. They get naked and jump into bed, but neither knows what to do. Eventually, they decide to rub their noses together. After awhile, they decide to rub their toes together. Finally, they begin to rub their hips together.Suddenly, the man jumps up …

Do you ever go in the bathroom after someone has, shall we say, ruined the ozone? I was in one the other night. It was like Satan was in there before me: all the mirrors cracked, the wallpaper’s peeling off the wall, the toilet paper roll’s going around by itself. …

An asp in the grass is a snake, but a grasp in the ass is a goose.

“How are your hemorrhoids?” “Swell.”