Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?A: Who knows — it’s never been done.

Q: Why are men like diapers?A: They are always on your ass and full of sh*t, and thankfully, they’re disposable.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample.The man was slightly deaf and said, “What?”The doctor said, “I need a blood, urine and feces sample.”The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and …

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Somebody tried to give me a wet willie earlier today. You guys know what that is? It’s when someone sucks on their finger and tries to stick it in your ear. Gotta say, I never really understood a form of torture that’s just as disgusting for the person administering it …

I figured if I colored a black dot on top of a zit, it will look like a beauty mark. It didn’t. It looked like I had a tick sucking on my face, which wasn’t the look I was going for, and my boyfriend jumped on me with a cigarette.

It’s a gross city. It’s so gross. I went to use a pay phone tonight; I pick up the pay phone, I put it to my ear, and there was, like, jelly on it — well, that’s what it tasted like.

My wife is my best friend. I hang out with her all the time, which is good, but it’s also kind of bad to have a woman as your best friend. It’s been giving me an identity crisis and, worse than that, I’m pretty sure I’ve got a yeast infection.

What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated? “Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!”

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.She says to the wolf, “My, what big ears you have!”The wolf keeps grimacing.She says, “My, what big eyes you have!”The wolf grimaces …