The preschool teacher says, “We’re going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”The teacher says, “Go ahead, what’s the sentence?Mary replies, “The sky is definitely blue.”“That’s good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also …

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous. "Mom, I think I’m going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can.  Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes.  You can throw …

Why don’t little girls fart? Because they don’t have assholes until they’re married.

How do you make stew out of a leper? Put him in a Jacuzzi and turn it on full.

Q: Did you hear about the leper poker game?A: One guy threw in his hand and the other three laughed their heads off.

Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game?A: There was a face-off in the corner.

I was hoping I’d get really sick, you know? Catch maybe like a cold, work it into a flu, get a double pneumonia, whopping cough — lose all this weight throwing up, burping up. People say, ‘Wow! You look great! What happened?’ ‘Yeah, I got sick, yeah.’

My Indian name is: Sleeps in the River. I was a bedwetter.

Did you watch the Dahmer thing? We had it on TV. I thought that was real kind of nice TV. Did you watch it? His mother was there in the audience, every day, in court. What could she possibly say? ‘It’s a phase. Your Uncle Jack ate people until he …

Ed Gein — he’s the guy that Hannibal Lecter was based on, ‘Hannibal the Cannibal.’ He made furniture out of people. Isn’t that nice? ‘Is that a Chippendale?’ ‘No, that’s Bob Weinstein.’