[My sister] goes, ‘You know what your problem is, Karen? You think like a man.’ So I said, ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.’ And then I made her smell my socks.

Anything can be comic and anything can be tragic — that’s my big point right there. I don’t think anybody in this room thinks it’s funny when a child is decapitated by an airbag. But wouldn’t it be a little bit funny if, for 15 minutes before that, the kid …

Two old people flirt at a seniors’ singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, “If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?”The old woman replies shyly, “Depends… .”“Depends on what?” he asks.“On my bottom …

I love when you get on planes, they’re like, ‘In the event of a crash landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device.’ If we’re crashing, my seat cushion’s gonna double as a toilet.

Just joined New York Sports Club, which is fantastic. Now I have a bathroom on every block.

I only wish Jeffrey Dahmer were still around. He’d ‘a been great in the war on terror. Imagine him after 9/11. We coulda used him in the interrogation rooms… We’d be like, ‘So, you wanna tell us where the other sleeper cells are? No? Oh, I don’t know if you …

I’m not feeling well. I’ve got a little touch of leprosy. This stuff hangs on and hangs on and hangs on, and then it falls off.

I should write a poop joke about Russia. It goes like this: ‘Hey Bill, why you Russian?’ ‘Oh, I’m in a hurry because I have a horrible case of the Trotskys.’ ‘I’ve got the opposite problem, Bill. I have the Stalins.’ ‘Well, at least you don’t have to worry about …

At a rally John McCain was asked if he wore boxers or briefs.He replied, “Depends.”

They had this article taped [to the register], and the headline of the article said ‘Did you know the blood of 40 million babies has stained United States soil since 1963 through legalized abortion.’ And I’m like, Whoa, whoa — 40 million babies stained U.S. soil? Who’s doing these abortions …