Some of these drinks will knock you out. I was drinking that Sex on the Beach last night, had about six of them. Woke up this morning with sand in the crack of my ass.

He called me and told me to come in for a colonoscopy. Now, I didn’t know what it was, so I showed up… I don’t know what happened after I passed out, but he bought me this ring I’m wearing right here. I think we’re dating now.

My girlfriend used to get upset because I left the toilet seat up. So, I don’t do that anymore; I put it down. But there’s no winning with her. Now she gets annoyed because it’s covered in piss.

Have you ever been to someone else’s home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can’t yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, ‘Well, this is an old pair of underwear …

Then the rectal exam comes. He puts on these rubber gloves. I’m like, ‘Please tell me you work at Subway. What — do you do catering on the side?’

It burns when I pee. That’s my body’s way of saying, ‘Don’t stick your penis in that.’

I read my morning papers on the computer. It’s just hard to hold the computer on the toilet ’cause I don’t have a laptop.

Beauty comes from within — like gas.

Ever try to get those pictures from him? He won’t give them to you. He’s all weird about it, too, isn’t he? ‘No, those are mine.’ Alright, you keep ’em, you freak. Bring ’em home, look at ’em late and touch yourself, see if I care.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend?A: He wiped.