There’s one guy yelling at me in there. I’ve never even met him, he’s going nuts: ‘C’mon man, you gotta want it! C’mon, man, push it now! Come on! Push it now!’ I’m like, ‘Hey man, one guy per stall.’

It’s an ad for Ex-Lax. It’s about this chick, she’s all bummed out ’cause she’s constipated and can’t hang out with her friends. That makes no sense, right, ladies? You’re constipated so you can’t hang out with your friends? I’m trying to picture myself in that situation. I’m like, ‘Hey …

I came up with what I thought was a good idea. I’m like, I’m gonna start jerking off in the shower. Genius, I figured, she’ll never catch me in there. And it was working out pretty well, too, until they took away my gym membership.

They always have signs in the restaurant bathrooms: ‘Employees Must Wash Hands Before Leaving Restroom.’ Apparently, patrons can pee all over themselves.

“It”s awful scary in these woods, mister!” “You”re telling me, I have to walk out of them by myself!”

I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I? Ugly!

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first …

How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.

Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?A: A religious movement.