Get to know your mate. If there’s something you need to know about him, just ask him right up front. And choose the right moment because the fellas don’t like opening up. Like, after intimacy, turn around, look him in his eye and say, ‘I’ve been wanting to know, what’s …

If I’ve invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I’ve been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who’s out constantly getting high, then I’m dumped — suicide is not one of my thoughts. I’m thinking maybe homicide.

I used to cheat a lot, but now I do not cheat — anymore than I used to. It’s the same amount.

Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he’s a great guy, and you still won’t date him — do you know what that’s like for the guy? It’s like going on a job interview and having the guy say this to you: ‘Well, Mr. Perkins, wow! This a great …

Ladies, you know how you have that guy friend, that guy friend that you like a lot, a whole lot, but not ‘that way’? You have the friend, yeah? It’s wrong. Because if the guy hangs out with you, you know he likes you. I mean, why else would he …

I got enough friends in my life: I got a mother, I got a sister, I got cousins I can’t sleep with because of society.

Q: Why was the 6’6″ guy so brokenhearted after his 4’9″ girlfriend dumped him? A: He was nuts over her.

Trying to find one woman that I can spend the rest of this weekend with.

My parents have been together for over 40 years, y’all. Ain’t that something? That’s a long time. Yeah, they’re getting married next month, so we’re looking forward to that.

Before we got married, she was like a good health plan — I had full coverage, you know what I’m saying? Once we got married, she turned into a HMO, selective coverage. I’m like, ‘Hey, you keep this up, I’m going to have to go outside the network.’