Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, “Hey, do you mind? I’m eating here.”

Q: How does one human embryo talk to another human embryo? A: It uses a stem cell phone.

Your fart was so loud that astronauts in space mistook it for a message from Houston!

Q: Why are men like laxatives? A: They irritate the crap out of you.

Q: Why do farts smell? A: So deaf people can enjoy them, too.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel. “Well,” said the Englishman. “I support the Liverpool football club, so I’ll eat the liver.” “I support the Hearts club,” said the Scotsman. “I’ll eat the heart.” …

Ladies, let’s be real. You don’t dress like that because you don’t want us to look. You don’t put the word ‘juicy’ on your ass and not expect us to read it. And, by the way, that is the worst word. If your ass is juicy: see a doctor. That …

You guys ever have that dream where you’re peeing, and you wake up and you’re peeing? That’s like the most comfortable sleep you’ll ever have.

Q: Why are drummers like laxatives? A: They irritate the s**t out of everyone.

One good piece of advice my parents gave me when I was growing up is ‘Always doo-doo before you leave the house’ — which is some of the reason why some of you are not laughing too hard now.