I don’t really like strip clubs, but I got a cousin, he got strippers in his budget… So we’re hangin’ out in Canada, and if you’ve ever been to Canada, you know they have totally nude strippers — naked nude. And they sellin’ lap dances for $20, and he’s buyin’ …

I’m a different type of comic. I tend to start slow and then just kind of — urinate on myself.

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don’t fear anything.” After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. He then told the …

Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation?” It hasn’t come out yet.

Q: Why are constipated people so rude? A: They don’t give a crap.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church. When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up. “Yes,” the girl says. “But I …

Q: How do you get a baby into a bowl? A: A blender. Q: How do you get them out? A: Doritos.

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice? A. Polaroids.

One roomate said to another,”Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth.” His roomate replied, “Oh, that’s my fault — I guess I missed.”