I think you know you’re close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, ‘You don’t want to go in there for a while.’

My daughter — true story — she’s turning six. I asked her, ‘Where do you want to go for your birthday?’ She said, ‘I want to go to Las Vegas.’ ‘Las Vegas?!’ Six years old, that makes sense, ’cause she likes the big hotels with the pools. She loves the …

Q: How did Captain Hook die? A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.

Did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder.

Whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent, an old pirate captain would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of his crew members asked him what it meant. The pirate captain replied, “It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want …

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other? A: “Together, we can stop this s**t.”

Q: Why did the skeleton burp? A: It didn’t have the guts to fart.

Now what I don’t get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll. Are you trying to quit?

What’s the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

I’ve got a wedding I’ve got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don’t think I’m going to do it, so I’m going to get my back waxed, and then, I’ll only have to lose two.