Q: How do you make a baby drink? A: Stick it in the blender.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. While sitting in her new room, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put …

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall? A: Walnuts. Q: What do you call nuts on your chest? A: Chestnuts. Q: What do you call nuts on your chin? A: A penis in your mouth.

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass? A: A mechanic!

A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, “Give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.” The injured man repies, “But I don’t have the fingers!” “Why didn’t you bring them?” the doctor asks. …

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing …

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses’ stinks.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?