I think your marriage license should be like your driver’s license: should have an expiration date on it. You should have to renew it every couple of years, and if you don’t renew it, it just run out.

Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

Let me tell you why I hate Valentine’s Day — ’cause a few years ago, on Valentine’s night, I thought I would have a nice, romantic evening in with a lady. But little did I know, that that same night, her ex-boyfriend thought he would try to win her heart …

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey. I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh.” The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps …

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie? A: All of Ken’s stuff.

I thought it would be so easy to meet guys when I got out of college because it was very easy to meet guys in college. I mean, this was really all you had to do to meet some guy in college: ‘Oh my God, I am so wasted!’

I’ve been married 21 years — three wives.

The dating game is like investing in the stock market. You’re brokers; you’re constantly investing time, energy, money — investing. You want to see return on your investment. Some of y’all out there are dating two or three different women. That’s like investing in mutual funds.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the …

Girls have a very specific type. You ask guys, like, ‘Hey, what do you look for in a woman?’ It’s like, ‘Uh — my penis?’