If it weren’t for women, I’d have all the men I need. I’d be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. You’d be my loyal subject — not for sex, just to fetch me stuff. You could bring me food, ’cause if I’m gonna be the only woman on Earth, fat’s coming …

Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker tomato? A: “You better ketchup!”

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? A: They are both meat substitutes.

— Duct tape won’t fix that.— Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.— We don’t keep firearms in the house.— You can’t feed that to the dog.— The kids can’t ride in the back of the pickup — it’s just not safe.— Honey, did you mail that donation …

A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man who was the last person in the county to have lived through the Civil War. Thinking he had a story, the reporter started asking some questions. “Sir, you have lived through the civil war and two world wars. You have seen …

Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?A: Meet Patty.

A preacher’s wife goes to the butcher.The butcher asks if she’d like to try some damn ham.The preacher’s wife is shocked. The butcher explains that “Dam Ham” is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the beaver and dam logo.That night, the preacher asks, “What’s …

What do you call two or more Brittany Spears’s in a box? A box of Ho-Ho’s

A customer in a restuarant orders a bowl of soup. However, the customer notices that something is wrong. So he calls the waiter over. “Can you please taste the soup?” “What’s wrong with the soup?” “Just taste it.” “Why?” “Just taste it.” “Sir, I–” “Just taste it.” “Fine, I’ll taste …

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Banana.