I made a casserole last week. The only trouble is when I wanted to take it out of the oven, I realized I don’t even own any oven mitts. But luckily, since I’m a sports fan, I had a couple of those #1 foam hands, which makes your casserole presentation …

Q: What does a good steak have in common with good sex? A: They’re both very rare.

What did the skeleton say before it ate? “Bone-appetit.”

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeep said, “Sorry, but we dont serve mushrooms.” The mushroom replies, “Why, I’m a fun guy”

I’m not into that kinky, freaky stuff where you put peanut butter under your armpits and lick it off. If I want a sandwich, I get up and go make me a sandwich. I ain’t lickin’ nothing off your body. That’s nasty.

Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, “I have to go change. I’ll be back in a minute.”Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky ‘egg’lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.Instantly, the male egg slapped his …

Some people hate bad waiters; I don’t mind them. My mother, though, she’ll tip a bad waiter a condom so he won’t reproduce.

The Dove Bar’s like an 80-pound wad of chocolate on a toothpick. If you’re not careful when you take it out of the package, you’ll snap your wrists.

Friends of mine freak out when I tell them I’m a good cook… Why would you be that surprised that I can cook? I’m a big boy. I can cook. It kind of goes hand-in-hand. You should be that surprised if I tell you something like, I don’t know, I …

Q: How do you make a sausage roll? A: Push it!