I tried cocaine to lose weight. It just made me eat faster.

Q: Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?A: It’s called Sosumi.

I think the holidays are important because that’s when you go home and do some alcoholic drinking and compulsive overeating with your dysfunctional families.

I was a stripper — in Russia. It’s a little different standard over there. It’s cool ’cause they put bread in your g-string — beats waiting in line.

White kids’ parents used to make some good cookies. My mother, she made sweet potato pie. She bought cookies, and they were never the good cookies. It was always the pack of 1000 that said: ‘Cookies.’

Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clown’s a**hole. I don’t know if you’ve tasted it. Who came up with Sunny D and was happy? Some guy was like, ‘I like the taste of orange juice and baby medicine. Can we combine that?’

You ever go into a restaurant — whether you want a Coke or a Pepsi, they always have the other one?

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Fifty cents to use the pay toilets at Taco Bell. What’s Taco Bell telling us when taking a dump is 50 cents, but a Fiesta Taco is 39 cents? What is that — eat now, pay later?

I work with some women who are really skinny — really really skinny. They have this thing called ‘salad time.’ There’s a leader. ‘Salad time,’ she’ll say to the other ones, and they all get up and walk with her. They go get salads and bring them back and then …