Does anybody else’s grandparents eat the fake food? My grandfather was the worst because he had bad eyes and he was always hungry. I’m in a restaurant one time, we go to the men’s room — my grandfather was standing by the condom machine going, ‘Hey, this gum has got …

Denny’s has a slogan, ‘If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.’ If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks.

I saw the movie ‘Alive.’ Did you see that movie? The movie where the plane crashes, and they eat each other to stay alive? And I’m thinking, ‘Hey, this is one movie they won’t be showing on the airlines.’ No, not because the planes crashes, but the fact that the …

Your mother was the only one that knew how long you could wait after you eat before you could go swimming. My mother would look at me, ‘What did you have? Ham and cheese, mayonnaise? Thirty-eight minutes.’

He wakes up, and he wants a cookie for breakfast. He knows she’s going to say no. So, he comes to me at six o’clock in the morning. You’re an intelligent man. If somebody looks at you at six o’clock in the morning and goes, ‘I want a cookieee!’, what …

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos — saved us money somehow. I don’t know how. The coupon queen worked that out.

I don’t want to lose weight. My tongue and my taste buds are the only friends I got.

I was at the doctor this week. He says, ‘Joe, you should really try and be the perfect weight.’ So I looked behind him on the chart, and it turns out, I’m still within the parameters of being the perfect weight. Apparently, I’m the wrong height.

Yeah, I was gang-raped by a dozen donuts.

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.