Mind if my sous chef watches?

A woman walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts. The guy says, “No, ma’am.”

I’m an old school, hardcore political activist. For instance, I still won’t eat grapes because of the plight of the migrant farm workers. I also won’t eat raisins because of the older migrant farm workers. That’s how hardcore I am. I also won’t eat prunes. That’s for a completely different …

I was in the supermarket, and I had these two shopping carts full of groceries, and I was waiting in line. This guy got in line behind me, and all he had was a jar of spaghetti sauce and some spaghetti. He kept checking his watch and looking at my …

Q: What did the apple say to the orange? A: “I despise you for being different from me.”

Holding my nephew, I realized I’m getting older, and that’s a very strange feeling. And I don’t mind it ’cause now the simplest things in life make me really happy. I’m telling you, if I have a new box of breakfast cereal in the cupboard in the kitchen, I get …

My favorite cold cereal is the Grape Nuts. I love Grape Nuts — except, lots of times, I forget to put milk on them the night before I want to eat them.

After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And …

A diner yelled out, “Waiter! What’s this fly doing in my soup?” After taking a close look at the soup, the waiter said, “It looks like the breaststroke, sir.”

A diner complained, “Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!” His waiter replied, “That’s entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor.”