You know how badly evolution is going now? Me. We’ve got me: I’m allergic to bread. Do you know how weak you have to be genetically for bread to be too much for you?

Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz? A: Cheez Whuz.

Q: What’s yellow and goes up and down? A: A banana in an elevator.

A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, “Doc, I’m just not feeling well.” The doctor replies, “Maybe you’re not eating right.”

Have you been eating cake lately? You look a little crumby.

I didn’t even see the salmon on the menu because the salmon was on the section of the menu I wouldn’t allow my eyes to look at. People, you know you get a menu, there’s a whole page that’s not your page.

The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

I’m not frontin’. I’m trying to order the cheapest entree they had. If they had cardboard, I would have ordered that.

Q: What’s the difference between a zombie baby and vegetables? A: I don’t eat my vegetables.

Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? The police thought it was a cereal killer.